The Headhunters Guide to Pranks and Prats

The Headhunters Guide to Pranks and Prats Much as the title suggests, my colleagues (and unfortunately myself during my time as a headhunter) were as great a source of amusement to my customers, so here is a collection of our best and worst moments mostly our worst. No names are mentioned, but you know who you are. Porn in the airport: If youre travelling straight to the airport after work for a much needed holiday abroad, then do not leave your luggage unattended to for even a second. Heres what happens if you fail to heed this golden rule. Its late in the afternoon and youve gone to the toilet to spruce yourself up before your long trip. Sensing that this will be their last chance to ruin your day, your calculating colleagues open up the bag you have unwittingly left next to your desk. They slide some scissors (or anything sharp and metallic they can find) into the bag on top of your belongings which they then cover in a layer of porn. Lots and lots of truly heart-stopping, obscene, probably illegal in most countries, hardcore porn. They zip up the bag before you return to your desk, not suspecting a thing. You get all the way to the airport, you check in, you stroll through passport control, and then you hit customs. Im sorry sir, but there appears to a sharp metallic object in your bag which youre not allowed to carry on board with you do you mind if we open it up and take a look? Your heart begins to beat out of your chest. You know something is up. You remember how weirdly happy your team was to see you go on your way out. You know theyve done something, but its too late to check for yourself. The customs official is opening the bag while young families and old ladies stare at you wondering what youve done. Boy, are they about to get a shock! Porn everywhere!!!! Sweat pours down your face, pee pours down your pants which really doesnt help your case considering the circumstances. Out comes the offending item the scissors which the official puts to one side. He doesnt speak he just judges you silently, but as carrying porn does not contravene any laws, he slowly starts to repackage the pages of filth girl filth, boy filth, girl on girl filth, filth with animals, one page at a time until your bag is ready to be zipped up again. Finally, it ends and you are allowed to go through and your first instinct is to call those bastards who did this to you and set them straight, so you make the call only to find yourself on speakerphone ranting to the whole office about your ordeal against a backdrop of uncontrollable laughter you will never ever live this down. Sadly, when my team tried to play this trick on our boss before his flight to New Zealand last year, he was one step ahead and was sure to check his bag before he left and remove both the porn and the scissors. How did he know? Perhaps it had something to do with him being part of the group that successfully carried off the prank several years before at his previous firm. You dont become a manager falling for pranks like that. However, that still doesnt save you from having to clean up the mess left by your newest underling the day before his promotion to your team comes into effect read on.. The curse of predictive textand more porn Note: if that witty put-down you just have to put into writing is really that good, it will still be cutting edge humour if you take a few extra seconds to double check the email addresses added in your cc box. Its New Years Eve. Youre taking it easy (while pretending to be hard at work of course). Youve just been promoted and youre feeling pretty good about yourself. You have three days off after this and then you start your new job at your new desk, sitting next to your new boss. What could you possibly do to screw this up? Respond to an email designed to rile you up with what you think if the cleverest quip ever since you schooled that wise-arse in Kindergarten with the unanswerable I know you are, but what am I? Thats what. But no, you can do better than that. You can force him to share his humiliation with his entire team who you promptly copy in. You have to get in their quick though, so you just type in the first letters of their names and let Outlook do the rest after all, how many other people in the world are likely to be called Howard? Oh and I did I mention the porn? But of course, this particular banter exercise all began with someone sending you a picture of two men enjoying the love that dare not speak its name followed by a taunt so wounding you cant for the life of you remember what it was now. So, you write your piercing comeback something about just wanting to be friends and not touching him in that way if your life depended on it. Get it? Youre pretending that him sending you the picture was actually an attempted sexual advance. My word, arent you clever? Stewie from Family Guy is literally taking notes as we speak. You press send. Let the humiliation begin. Your humiliation. The targeted team cracks up in hysterics (mission accomplished) apart from Howard, who for some reason has no idea whats going on. Did he not receive the email? OH MY GOD, HOWARD DIDNT RECEIVE THE EMAIL! Someone else called Howard, who you recently placed with one of the countrys leading broadcasters, however, did receive the email. By the way, did I mention this Howard was gay? Time to call in the boss not the outgoing boss, he cant stop laughing. He manages to pull himself together for just long enough to drag me (I mean, the idiot who did this is who is not me under any circumstances whatsoever) over to the new boss. Hes your problem now you: tell him what youve done. To this day, I must credit the coolness of his reaction. How do I describe it? Hmmm, anyone remember Harvey Keitels character in Pulp Fiction: The Wolf? Not a harsh word, not a single smirk, not even a raised eyebrow just one very awkward phone call. Not to Howard, but to the account manager responsible for the client Howard is now working for. It would be his job to break the news, but first my boss had to break it to him and here is what he said: Hi mate. Sorry to bother you on your day off, but weve got a problem. Tony accidentally sent an email that was intended for someone in the office to one of your candidates and it contains a really explicit picture. What does the picture look like? Well mate, its not good. I dont know how to say this alright: basically, its two blokesbent double without a stitch onand well.ones f***ing the other. Can you handle it? Boys and girls, youll be glad to know, Howard simply dismissed it for what it was, another piece of mis-directed banter. I say another as it later transpired that I was in fact the second person in my office to do that to him in a week the first being the account manager. No wonder he was so calm under fire that morning. Best of the rest The office arsehole who got his comeuppance when his colleague relented and gave him the lead into a contact at McVities (the company famous for its snacks and biscuits for the benefit of my non-English friends). He had about five conversations with a series of receptionists, who one can only assume were also in on the gag as he had to work out the prank for himself. This is how the last one went: Office arsehole: Hello. Can I speak to a Mr Caracas please? Receptionist: Can you give me his full name please? Office arsehole: Yes, its Karim. Thats Mr Karim Caracas. Is he there? Receptionist: (Muffled laughter) Office arsehole: Im sorry, but I really do need to speak to Karim Caracas. Can you please tell me if hes..(finally works it out and slams down phone). Office arsehole to colleague: You bastard! How about the wet behind the ears sales consultant who recently survived sending an explicit email to the wrong person days before starting his new position? Anonymous caller: Hello can I speak to [insert name of team manager] please? Sales consultant: Can I ask whos speaking? Anonymous caller: Im an old friend of his and hes expecting my call. The name is Mr Bred. First name, Peter. Sales consultant: No problem hold one moment and Ill see if hes available. Sales consultant to team manager: You have a call from a bloke who says hes a friend of yours says his name is Peter Bred? Team manager: His name is Peter Bred? Are you having a laugh? (whole team laughing in the background) Sales consultant: Oh s**t!!! Finally, theres the classic email hack. Fortunately it was so common place where I used to work that I was just about able to convince my boss that I too had fallen prey to the oldest prank in the book (since email was invented anyway) when he received the following message from me: Im fed up of you and your crackpot methods. You dont have a clue what youre talking about. I want to work for a real man who knows what theyre doing. I hereby tender my resignation with immediate effect. And no, I didnt actually send it myself just to see if I could get away with it. I may be stupid enough to send offensive pornographic pictures to new customers, but Im not that stupid. To the person who did do it (and we both know who you are) you, sir, are a prat! Until next time folks

Writing a Good Summary For Resume

Writing a Good Summary For ResumeWriting a good summary for resume can be easy if you know the format. A good resume is very different from that of an application, in some ways. With an application you are filling out the basic information like name, address, phone number, email, and so on. But with a resume, you are asking for more details like education, work experience, and so on.In order to get information for your resume you need to know which types of information are most important. This will determine how you fill the information in. If you just fill it out quickly, you will be tempted to put in too much information. Not having enough information to fill out the statement of purpose is the first sign of a resume that needs some improvement.So as you are filling out the statement of purpose in your resume to make sure you are giving yourself enough time to do it properly. In addition to this, if you are filling it out the wrong way you can be making a mistake that will hurt you r chances of getting hired. Having the right information in your statement of purpose is just as important as any other part of your resume. If it is filled out incorrectly, you may not be the only one who will know that.You need to make sure that all of the information in your statement of purpose is accurate and written in your own words. After all, people will read your resume for the job you are applying for. You need to make sure that they know you honestly intended to apply for the position for which you are applying. In addition to this, you want to make sure you tell them what you have done to gain the knowledge they are looking for.If you don't feel comfortable writing your own words, hire a professional. Most resume writing companies have qualified professionals on staff who are expert writers. If you have the opportunity to talk to someone face to face, you will find that the process is even easier. This will allow you to get a first hand look at what the pros are doing. In addition to this, you will be able to get a professional opinion on the formatting of your summary statement.When it comes to formatting your statement of purpose, you will find that some job descriptions will have specific formats. You will also find that some positions will not have specific formats. If this is the case for your job, you will have to take this into consideration when you format your statement of purpose.It may seem that you are stuck between formats in a job description. However, if you have a few points in mind you can outline your career and then tell the story of your accomplishments. Most job seekers are too caught up in the details of their job descriptions that they forget to include what it is they want. If you find this to be the case, you should make sure that your summary statement for resume is formatted in a way that fits the job description for which you are applying.In order to make sure that your summary statement for resume is formatted correctl y, you should also consider hiring a professional writer to help you out. When you hire a professional, you will be assured that the format you use is consistent with the format for which you applied.

Your approach to mistakes defines your success

Your approach to mistakes defines your success One of the first things I wondered about the Farmer when I met him  is why he was even reading my blog. He told me, Im an entrepreneur. I was hooked. I had no idea what he was talking about. But I could see that I was going to learn a lot from him, and nothing gets me going like a steep learning curve. That was five years ago. Today, I read all the farming magazines that come to the house, I sit in on meetings  with  the seed salesman and the accountant who specializes in farms. The Farmer has a rule that I can listen but I have to wait until the end for questions, because people in the farm community are too nice to tell me when Im asking too many. But you are, he tells me. Just trust me that you are. The more knowledge I have about farming the more I scream about how he treats the animals. Family farms are generally horrendous for animals. Not  because  the farmers have no ethics but because  ethics  are contextual, and like every other profession, farmers just do what other farmers do. For example, corn is like crack to pigs. Its not healthy for them but you can move pigs around by feeding them corn like you feed kids candy. So I am not nearly as offended with the idea that pigs are fed candy as I am with the idea that pigs are confined. They have the IQ of a three-year-0ld kid. They should not be confined to a tiny space. And definitely farrowing crates are out-of-control  inhumane. I could go on and on but I also understand the economics of farming. If you dont know 99% of pork in the US comes from a farrowing crate operation then you have no idea that you should be paying ten times the amount for the pork you eat. And maybe you wouldnt. So the economics of farming is a mess, and someone needs to take some big risks. This is where Matthew comes in. Im going to call him Matthew now. Because hes amazing and this is a post about how amazing he is and I dont want him to be a character on my blog anymore. Matthew is a one-man pork revolution with a Jewish wife who wont let pork in the house. He is working on figuring out how to make it economical to produce pigs without farrowing crates. No crates means the mom might crush pigs, or the pigs might freeze. It means that Matthew has to reinvent raising pigs. Matthew has been raising pigs since he was a young boy. And he went to graduate school for pig genetics. Even so, raising pigs more humanely is a huge risk for him. He can go online and read about how other people do it  but each farm has different weather, different crops, different layouts. Its impossible to simply copy another farmers solution. Also Matthew  already gets the highest price in Wisconsin for his pork, but its not nearly enough to cover the drama of trying to raise pigs outside of farrowing crates. He puts the mom pig on a pasture, like a free-range cow, and the mom builds a nest and has her pigs and takes care of them.  Some days last summer he couldnt find one of the moms. But the moms are completely capable of managing their piglets and raising them without farmer confinement. This is a picture of a moms nest in the summer pasture. Everyone is warm and happy. In the summer, that system works well, but Matthew needs to be able to continue supplying restaurants year-round. So he needs to have baby pigs in the spring and fall as well, which is when the pasture is too cold or too wet, so he has to have an alternative system. He put the pigs into a fenced-off area where they could be in little huts. It worked well. The mom pigs stayed inside a quarter acre surrounded by an electric wire, and the baby pigs ran all over the place, but they always go back to their mom. Have you seen a picture of a farm where chickens run all over the place? We have chickens and piglets. People cant believe it when they visit. A piglet approaches, like a puppy, to play. Farmers see chaos and mayhem. I see revolutionary inventiveness. I kept telling Matthew that if people knew how much happier his pigs were than a regular pig, they would pay a premium. I tell him this is the future of pigs. Things were going great until this spring. It was very very wet and very very cold. The moms were supposed to make nests in the huts. But  there was not really a place for the moms to stay dry. This is a picture of the nest inside the hut: cold and muddy. There are a million variables in farming. If the ground thaws and then freezes the moisture is more in the dirt than if it doesnt freeze. Or something like that. Matthew knows everything about the weather. (Here is something he told me that I swear has been true every time: Rain before 7, done by 11. Rain after 8, rain til late.) So this spring, the pig experiment didnt work. The piglets were born on the cold, wet ground, and in one week, sixteen piglets died. Matthew lined them up and took a picture. Like a Monday morning quarterback, he could see all the mistakes he made. He ended up buying bedding for the pigs that cost enough to make the pigs unprofitable for the whole season. Hes been caring for 100 pig litters a year for forty years. He never expected to make such a big mistake. He questioned everything: his IQ, his morals, his financial competence, he work ethic. When things go bad for any business, its so easy to feel like a failure. But to have animals dying makes it all seem even worse. He told me he wanted to sell his farm. I understand that feeling. Its the feeling of wanting to give up when things go bad in your business. There are lots of ways to get past that moment. Each entrepreneur finds one that works for them. 1. Focus on the big idea.   My  favorite is to focus on the big picture rather than the problem at hand. I told him hes a revolutionary. He must keep going. I told him he might have to kill hundreds of pigs and lose thousands of dollars, but someone needs to do that in order to lead the pork industry to a more humane way of economically raising pigs. Someone has to be a leader, and leaders lead by failing and trying again. I told him the happiest people have the hardest jobs. My speeches do not inspire him. Revolutionaries seldom do that sort of thing in order to get attention as a leader. They do it because it is right, and they want to do whats right. Revolutionaries are driven by something more important than ego. So he told me to stop talking to him about it. 2. Take action. Matthew personality type is ISTP. So he needs to focus on taking action as a way to get past a bad mistake. He revised his system so that the next week of freezing rain didnt kill any pigs. They were all dry and cozy. And he is thinking about the next season of pigs, and the next set of problems. Like, I planted 20,000 bulbs last fall and the free-range piglets have dug up about 2000. Matthews question is how to treat pigs more humanely and still have a profitable business. Every time he solves one problem, he gets another one. People  talk a lot about what makes a successful entrepreneur, and the answer is that they dont quit. Each time a huge problem arises, an entrepreneur has a choice to work on solving it, or stop trying. 3. Surround yourself with people making mistakes and surviving. The reason entrepreneurs hang out with each other is because its inspiring to watch people work on problem after problem. And of course, that is true for life, as well. Our lives are defined by the problems we take on. Every day I look out our window and I feel so lucky to have the piglets running around. They are a wonder to watch, and they create more and more problems, and Matthew is a wonder to watch solving them.

On the Job by Anita Bruzzese The 3 People You Want to Meet at Work

On the Job by Anita Bruzzese The 3 People You Want to Meet at Work If you want to see where you career is going, look at who you hang out with at work. Is it the guy who plays on his phone during meetings? Is it the woman who is short-tempered and can be snarky to the intern? There's an old proverb that says you are known by the company you keep. (Your Mom probably quoted it to you once a day when you were a teenager.) While you don't want to isolate yourself at work or avoid having a diverse group of contacts, you do want to consider what you're getting from those relationships. For example, you may think the guy who plays on his phone during meetings is also pretty funny. You like going to lunch with him and watching him do impersonations of various people in the office. Or, the woman who is snarky to interns usually isn't rude to you, so you don't have a problem hanging out with her for a drink after work. But how do you really feel about interacting all the time with such colleagues? Do you find yourself thinking up new ideas, wanting to try and match their passion for their work or appreciate learning something new from them? Or, are you becoming caught in their endless cycle of disengagement, snarkiness and laziness? I'm not suggesting you cut these people completely. What I am suggesting is that you need to assess whether such relationships inspire you or provide encouragement. If not, it's time to spend less time with them and instead look for colleagues who can help you develop professionally because they model the right behavior. Look for people who are: Curious. These colleagues are intrigued by information. They read widely -- they may be able to tell you 10 facts about lemurs or discuss the latest industry acquisition. When you interact with those who are always expanding their minds, you will start to do the same -- and that's always a plus for any career. Good listeners. The colleagues who put their phones away during a meeting, turn away from their computers when your're talking to them and let others complete their sentences without interrupting are the kind of co-workers who go far in their careers. They're seen as great negotiators, leaders and team members and have the kind of skills you should emulate. Are not perfect. You want to be around people who are not afraid -- or too pompous -- to admit when they make a mistake. These are the kind of colleagues who learn from their goofs and become even better in their jobs. They don't become focused on fixing the blame, and instead want to fix the problem. You will learn a lot from such team members and you career will benefit from learning how they move on from mistakes and thrive.

Writing About Scirpting in Resume

Writing About Scirpting in ResumeWriting about Scirpting in resume is always a challenge. It is a method which can take you ahead. This is so because you can prove it to be quite competitive and adaptable. You can use this method on any part of your resume.Scirpting is very much worth to mention in resume. In this method, you can write about important facts that will include about the most vital things you have done in your life. Remember that you can write about the past when you started working in Scirpting industry. The success or failure of your professional career will also be mentioned in this part of your resume. Therefore, you can easily reach any level you want in Scirpting industry and the same can also help you to become a professional.So, if you are going to write about Scirpting in resume, you should ensure to include relevant dates. It should be no less than a decade. This is important for two reasons. Firstly, it will help you know your job profile.Secondly, it will gi ve your employers a good picture of your past so that they can realize what you can do for them with their current resume. The article can be used to get hired in your workplace and work history. This can help you to come up with a positive impression in the eyes of your employer.Employers don't need to interview you as the article can be written in a very simple manner. The format should be such that it can be read from top to bottom. As a result, you will get a positive impression out of your resume. One thing that you should keep in mind is to write about the most prominent results in your past. This can help you to show potential and make the employers take note of your potential.You must also know that there are several things that can be included in the article. You can discuss about the best of achievements, you must discuss any talents you have. The thing is that, you must mention everything that matters in the article. This will make your employer take a look at your resume . This will surely help you get hired with your current resume.To create your own sample resume, you can use the sample resumes that are available on different websites on the internet. However, in case of any question in regards to this, you can get the help of professionals who have been successful in Scirpting jobs. The professionals can get the sample resume.They can give you step by step instructions on how to write the sample and find the appropriate amount of detail. This will help you to create a simple resume that you can use in resume. In case you are looking for other methods of writing about Scirpting in resume, then you can find many resources online.

A Growing Resume Challenge

A Growing Resume Challenge With all the recent MA activity in the finance community, many job seekers now face a new challenge when updating their resumes: How do I accurately describe my work history on my resume without confusing my reader, offering misleading information, or looking like a job hopper? Frequently I review resumes from candidates that list each company separately, even if they became an employee of that company through a merger and even if their job title and scope of responsibilities stayed the same. This creates redundancy and wastes space on the printed pageand from a marketing perspective, your interests may not be best served by listing so many companies. While right now, everyone is cognizant of who bought who, some of that knowledge will wane in time and the recruiter or hiring manager reviewing your resume may make some incorrect assumptions about your chronology and work performance when so many companies are listed.An alternative to listing each employer separately is to use the com pany name that best positions you and then give a brief explanation of the MA activity or former company. For example, if your specialty is in trusts and wealth management and you worked at U.S. Trust before it was bought by Bank of America, your resume might say:  U.S. TRUST (now Bank of America) because you want your expertise in the trusts field to be prominent.If you worked for a troubled company that was acquired by another company, list the new company first and put the former company in parenthesis:  BANK OF AMERICA (formerly Merrill Lynch). This strategy allows you to call attention to the great work you did at Merrill without putting the transitional phase in the spotlight.  If the merger you were involved in occurred a long time ago and dates you, you can choose to leave that company name off and just go with the newer, more relevant company. For example, if you started in the industry at Bankers Trust, but worked there when they were acquired by Deutsche Bank or if you wo rked with State Street before Deutsche Bank took over, it may be in your best interest to just list Deutsche Bank. You should still list your full chronology, but leave off the name of the company that no longer exists.

Tales of a Recovering College Dropout - CareerAlley

Tales of a Recovering College Dropout - CareerAlley We may receive compensation when you click on links to products from our partners. ** This article originally appeared on the blog **Onlinecareertips.com** By Ryan BradshawFaculty member, Retail Management at American Public University My name is Ryan Bradshaw and I am a recovering college dropout. I use this line in almost every class I teach or visit. When I was 20 and in my junior year as an undergraduate, everything was looking up. Ive always been highly motivated and college was no exception. And then I hit the wall. As Randy Pausch put it, the walls (obstacles) in life keep others out and define how badly you want to succeed. I discovered that when you are moving fast and hit the metaphorical wall, stopping suddenly can be jarring. I washed out of college. I saw my life and couldnt see past the moment. The fatal flaw was that I didnt have a plan and had subscribed to the cookie-cutter approach to life: graduate high school, go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, work, work, work, retire, and die. Im now convinced the vast majority of folks dont fall within that spectrum. Life is messy. There are a lot of ups and downs; things planned and unaccounted variables. If you try to stay within a generic definition of how life is supposed to proceed, youll almost certainly be disappointed every time. Most often, life does not go how we planned for it to happen. According to Lou Holtz, Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you respond to it. I give you permission to freak out if something happens to you or if life doesnt go as planned. But, after you calm down I want you to know that life is like the roulette table. Chance and luck are part of it and past performance cant predict future outcomes. Give yourself a break You cant control everything You can start over every day I am a recovering college dropout because I have been on the college wagon for many years now. After three years of waiting tables and working jobs that didnt align with my skill set it hit me: I have more to offer. And then a new panic set in. I felt the burn of a dormant fire that had left me all those years earlier. Very quickly after that moment I found myself back in college and have since completed two undergraduate degrees, a masters degree, and am in a doctoral program. You can change your direction in life at any moment. You have the power to start something great. Whether its a college degree, a novel, a business, a career, or anything in your life, you can START now. But, starting is not enough. Anyone can start anything. No one can experience what you dont finish. As Seth Godin puts it, Youve got to ship. That means youve got to have the courage to put yourself out there. You have to be brave and determined to not only start, but to finish your great works. The road to recovery starts now. About the Author: Ryan Bradshaw is an ABD doctoral candidate studying student motivation and educational leadership. His dissertation is examining intrinsic and extrinsic motivational differences amongst undergraduate majors. We are always eager to hear from our readers. Please feel free to contact us if you have any questions or suggestions regarding CareerAlley content. Good luck in your search,Joey Google+ Visit Joeys profile on Pinterest. what where job title, keywords or company city, state or zip jobs by What's next? Ready to take action? Choose the right tools to help you build your career. Looking for related topics? Find out how to land your first job. Subscribe and make meaningful progress on your career. It’s about time you focused on your career. Get Educated Contact Us Advertise Copyright 2020 CareerAlley. All Rights Reserved. Privacy Policy + Disclosure home popular resources subscribe search